Will for a way

Listen to me if you can hear my voice

I speak in sorrow but not by choice

I want to live free

So subtract these burdens that have empowered me

If only there was a will

If only there was a way

If only I had the courage to say

Help me threw tomorrow

show me a brighter day

knock down these walls I’ve built to keep you all away

I need to breath again

and allow life to fulfill my dreams

a step further then where I stand

guide me just don’t hold my hand

If only there was a will

if only there was a way

if only it was easier with every passing day

There once was a time when you heard my laughter

but open up the book and read a page

you’ll feel the pain and seek my rage

If only there was a will 

if only there was a way

If only I could make it all go away



The silent drive

One of my boyfriend’s complaints about me and my kids is that we are to quiet in the car, he can’t take the lifelessness. He claims even when him and I are in the car driving we don’t say a word. It made me really reflect on why am I /we so quiet when we get in the car besides duh safety reasons. And then it came to me of course not when I should have had a quick come back. When I was young and all threw my teens my Peper would be there in his big dark blue Lincoln to pick me up any where at any time; however when we drove we never said a word, He was a very quiet man, he never said much of anything but when he did it mattered. Growing up I never really though much of it. You know war really did a number on those men. He is just starting to talk about those WW2 days now at 93. So when I think about how I am quiet and especially quiet in the car and tend to use that car time as a time to reflect I am proud



I have been best friends with this girl since we were both 13 and 14 years of age. She is like a sister to me. I don’t think anyone knows me better then she does. Its been a 25 year long friendship and many more to come. She has inspired me and has never failed to tell me like it is. I love that about her, she is such a realist like myself and we both are very leery about people. I used to be the social one when we were young but as we have grown older we have switched roles. However, she understands me and never takes offense if I call off plans at the last minute. She, besides my Memer; is the only person I could literally talk on the phone for hours with. She is my dark room; getting lost in time upon conversations anything from men to dream interpretations. She has got to be the only person on earth that will let me give her a detailed account with out interruption and be able to visualize it  just as it was and vice versa. We have grown into women together, married men and raised our families together and even went threw divorces together then started over together. Seeing each other at our lowest points in life and encouraging one another threw it all. She is the one that picks me up when I cannot find the strength to get up and keep on fighting this spiritual war. She makes me see who I really am and threw her eyes I know I am the woman I see her to be.   



God is a Hippie

So the nightly conversation with my son is about God and other religions (which came up because of our visits from Jehovah witnesses’) I tried explaining in my own way the discrepancies of religions which mind you made him more confused…so I ended the conversation with God is all love and wants us to love everyone. He then responds “So God is a Hippie” LOL my kid cracks me up!



Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13;4-8


Do you love your partner? Are you patient with them? Are you kind to them? Are you not envious or boastful? Proud, rude, self seeking? Do you get angry with them when you should be forgiving? Do you hold past mistakes against them? Worse yet someone else’s past against your partner? Sometimes we are not even aware of it. Now, we are all guilty at one point or another. As the saying goes; “It takes two to make or break it.” Just as we all grow physically as humans from a child to an adult, we also need to grow emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. In order to grow on this level we need to look deep within our selves and change patterns. It starts with you!

So many people enter relationships with tons of baggage; emotional baggage. Childhoods that are broken by divorce, abuse, alcoholism, drug use, or mental illness. Most people by the age of 30 are mature enough to look within themselves and work on change. Although by 30 they have most likely added to their baggage by falling into a repeated cycle of their past. I think we can all agree there is an epidemic of blended families or single parents. Why is that? It is because relationships fail! Either people do not have the tools to make it work or people are reckless when choosing a partner. Worse case having a child and starting the cycle over again. Many people go threw life playing the blame game. Blaming their parents, blaming their ex. It is my epiphany that it is not our parents, ex’s, partners, children, extended family or friends that are at fault, it is us. Parents are “the root”, “the foundation”; but ultimately we are responsible for our own actions and growth. Playing the blame game is wasted time arrogantly grieving and enables our ability to love, grow, and parent. The cycle needs to be broken by taking responsibility for ones self.

Now what are the tools for making a relationship work? I have learned that a healthy relationship is give and take. It is compromising even when you think your way is the right way. Agreeing to disagree. Picking your battles. By picking your battles means accepting or over looking your partner’s flaws; for example over looking that they are messy and unorganized, they are always late for events so on. Setting healthy boundaries will help you

to not accept things that are destructive to your relationship. I don’t think anyone needs an example, but what one person does not except another may. I do not accept lying, cheating, physical or verbal abuse, excessive spending, lack of responsibility, and lack of empathy.  This doesn’t mean you should end your relationship or marriage if your partner fails to meet your requirements (unless of course your well being is at stake.) People are only human and make mistakes, nobody is perfect. I believe “communication” and the willingness to try and understand one another is the glue of a relationship. Along with trust, lots of laughter, self sacrificing, God, and great sex. Apart from any of these  prayer and patience! When you communicate a problem you are allowing your partner to look within them selves and change. Everyone deserves “a few” chances.

So be a patient person. Be a kind person. Do not envy others for what you do not have (God gives us what we need). Do not boast about yourself in vanity, do not become arrogantly proud. Act in love not rudeness, have compassion for others because everyone has a story. Always ask yourself are you doing for others for your personal gain or from your heart with no expectations. Do not be easily angered, anger only closes up the heart. Do not be a revengeful person! Do not repay evil with evil, wrong for wrong. Always be courteous despite other people’s actions towards you. Always be truthful to yourself and others. Never give up hope! Even if your hope is a fantasy; the house, the job, the child, all the things that seem impossible. Even simple things like serenity. Talk about your dreams as if they are real because this is hope.

Every relationship has its ups and downs, it takes lots of WORK. However, true love is perfect and we need to strive for this perfection within our actions and motives. Be forgiving of your partners short comings as you would want them to be with yours. Be loving! Love the unloveable and in return love in its self will nurture you.




My thoughts on Dreams & my son’s dream about the mall shooting

Have you ever had a dream that seemed so real you swear it was really happening to you? You wake up confused as to if it was a dream or reality? Sometimes we are in the body of another person but can feel their every emotion and see things as if it was happening to yourself. I believe these are rare and different dreams then the abnormal mixed up dreams of crazy confusion. We are all made up of energy, our every thought is part of us. Our energy has the capability of generating beyond our space threw our thoughts and into the universe. Our actions are a manifestation of those thoughts. So when we are sleeping and the body is calm from distraction is it so silly to think that we are not capable of absorbing someone else’s energy and thoughts? I know that I have had dreams like this, I have experienced being in a tsunami and was a little boy being swept out of the hands of my mother. The next day I learned on the news that there really was a tsunami in another part of the world. I wanted to write about this because this morning while my son was about to leave for the bus he told me he had a very bad dream last night. He explained that it felt so real that he woke up and felt like he was having a heart attack. I explained to him it was not a heart attack that it was anxiety. He went on to tell me that in his dream he was at a mall, everyone was running around frantically. He said that there was a shooting in the mall and he had felt everything as if it was real and he was there. I feel these types of dreams are our minds connecting with a distress signal from another person in the world. Or they are physic dreams and we are able to see what is going to happen, maybe so we can pray for these events and people before hand.


 Then there are the visits from loved ones that have passed away.These dreams are also very real. They are evidence that there is in fact life after death and that ones spirit never dies. I believe this is the only time that they are able to manifest themselves for all our senses to comprehend. I have had visits from my aunt and smelled her perfume, I have had friends and family come to tell me things. I have had visits from daughter’s grandfather asking me to tell her he is proud of her. The things that I have been told are not within me, some people can argue these are all physiological but I think the realism of our dreams can help us to decipher which ones are our minds trying to figure out junk from the day between these types of dreams.

Update- after writing this, my Memer told me that there had been a mall shooting in Baltimore on January 27th. I do not watch the news so this came as a huge shock to me. It of course is very tragic but I couldn’t help to think of  the dream my son told me he had. My son dreamed about this before it happened.